Chapter 1.11 - Making a Warrior

Billy was alone.

But Billy had been alone before.

The beaten down, forest path took Billy to an open clearing with a lone, strong tree and—more importantly--nothing that could kill him, eat him, or eat him out. In an angry huff, Billy took shelter under the trunk, propped his head against his backpack, and looked up into a cloudy sky that existed thousands and thousands of years before his birth.

“I’m over it, bro,” Billy muttered to himself (the bro in question). He shifted his mostly bare ass against the uncomfortable root, wincing at the inner soreness from being fucked by both prehistoric man and prehistoric plant. “I’m over lions. Over mammoths. Over…sexually aggressive plants! And I’m done having to handhold sexy cavemen just so I can get back to a shitty life.”

In defiance of his circumstance, Billy sat up, removed his backpack, and took account of his stock of snacks and other 21^st century provisions.

 “For now on, I’m going solo! I can survive out here just fine on my own! I got power bars. Protein shakes. Well, enough to last me two more days, but that’s okay, I was in the scouts. Call me Billy, the king of the jungle!”

Within the span of ten minutes, however, the clouds above burst into a cold, drizzly rain that not even the tree’s foliage could hold back from soaking Billy to the bone.

“Ok, I lied,” Billy said to himself through chattering teeth. “I wanna’ go home!” Wet and pathetic and exposed to the elements, Billy grabbed the lock around his neck and held it close to his chin, as if it were a lapel mic.

“Look Eros, I get it, dude! I learned my lesson! I won’t be a douchebag to boys anymore. And I’ll try and pay attention to other people than myself…I guess. Maybe. Now, be a bro and bring me back home!”

But the gods were silent. Only the rain on the earth answered Billy’s plea. He considered that perhaps, in his frustration, storming off into the unknown landscape was not a wise move.

Billy sighed, hugging his thick legs close to his chest. “This fuckin’ sucks,” he said. Then, his ears picked up a new sound beneath the rain. Perhaps all those days spent hunting with Auru had endowed Billy with keener senses after all. Something was coming, through the bushes. Something big.

Billy grabbed the stone knife, his only defense, and stood up. Okay, remember how the Scouts told you to deal with bears. Make yourself bigger and scarier. Come on now, scary roar!

So, Billy raised his arms over his head and yelled, “BAAAAAH!!!” His voice, of course, cracked as he did.

Branches peeled back from the green woodland. Auru stood at the edge of the clearing and scratched his head in confusion. “Is that meant to be your scary roar!”

A larger shape behind him grunted, “You need to train him better.” It was Strong Elk.

The burst of relief in Billy’s chest quickly dissipated into embarrassment. Despite his stone age diva turn, his friends had tracked him down. Billy wasn’t sure he deserved it.

The rain polished Auru’s copper skin into a gleaming sheen. He approached Billy warily, but with good intent. “Billy, what are you doing out here by yourself?” he said. “I thought you were supposed to be smart!”

Billy looked between him and Strong Elk, scowling. “Whatever gave you that impression!” he said, before his attempts at gruff indifference and self-deprecation cracked. Billy sprung forward and hugged Auru tight, and wet, against his body. The caveman returned the gesture.

As arousing as it was for Billy to be smushed against a giant, wet, long-haired hunk, now was not the time. Plus, Billy wasn’t even sure he had in semen left inside him to expel after being drained bone-dry by the wugwug plant.

Also, Billy felt like an asshole. After the initial exchange, Auru and Strong Elk joined Billy beneath the tree. Wedged between the two caveman, Billy found their bodies were big enough to block out a sizable portion of the rain.

It was time to address the mammoth in the room. “Auru,” Billy said. “I feel for you, big guy. I know you want to find a tribe, which involves killing a giant mammoth…for some reason. But I’m not sure I’m the right guy for the job. I’ll get in the way, or worse, I’ll get…wugwug’d.”

Strong Elk arched his eyebrow. “You would abandon us over one misfortune?” he growled.

Billy answered him. “Uh….yes? I was violated by a plant!”

“Did you not like it?”

“No, I loved it!” Billy blushed. “I just thought I was in danger and got overwhelmed.”

“Then stop being a coward,” Strong Elk fired back.

Before a fight could break out, Auru intervened. “Strong Elk, wait,” he said. “Billy has every right to feel discouraged and scared after what happened. It was a lot.” He placed his big hand on Billy’s thigh. “Billy. Listen. Auru was on his own for so long, wanting to find people. People are meant to help each other. I can hunt, but I cannot weave, and so I bring back food to the village in return for coverings.”

“But you only wear a loincloth, Auru,” Billy pointed out.

The gently tapped Billy on the head. “That is not the point of Auru’s talkings. We all do something to help, Billy. That is why we bring people together. More people mean more things to share. And no matter what, you are always part of Auru’s tribe.”

They were nice and unexpected words, but every time Billy thought about being ‘a part’ of something again, he pictured his ex’s disappointed face. “Yeah, I don’t bring anything to ‘the tribe’ but broken hearts.”

Auru smiled warmly. “Auru is going to hit you now, okay?”

“Wh—”

BONK!

“OW!” Billy said, rubbing the sore spot on his head where Auru had decked him. Next to him, Strong Elk’s laughter reverberated through the tree roots.

“There!” Auru said, happily. “You are being unkind to yourself because it means you do not have to do the hard work. So, stop being unkind! Stay with Auru and Strong Elk.”

“Even after I ran off?” Billy asked, channelling all the Irish Catholic guilt of his ancestors.

Auru nodded. Billy looked to Strong Elk, with his huge arms crossed. The big man grunted an affirmative. A stone age grace washed over Billy, cleaner and cooler than the rain. Billy tightened his fists and took in a deep breath, pushing away all the nagging thoughts of inadequacy and shame.

That was all in the past. Which was technically the future…

“I’m still not sure I’m going to be any use to you guys,” Billy said, “hunting this wicked scary mammoth sounds like trying to sprint before knowing how to crawl.”

Auru stood up, rivalling the tree towering over Billy. “Of course you will be of use,” he said. “We will find a way. Or we will all die—but at least we will die together!” The muscle giant placed his hands on his hips and laughed, causing his pectorals and belly to wiggle.

Billy nervously bit his lip. “Great,” he said. Then, he realized he was eye level with Auru’s loincloth, and his junk, peeking out just so, and always, semi-erect. “Ok, suddenly my confidence has been restored.”

The warmth of Strong Elk’s hand on Billy’s shoulder surprised him the most of all. The Elk Clan chief gifted Billy with a softer look, and then used Billy as a post to stand up (which nearly drove Billy into the mud.

“Let us find a better shelter,” Strong Elk said to his companions.

Auru single-handedly pulled Billy onto his feet. “Come!” he said. “Billy is friend.”

 

The three returned to the Elk Clan village, embedded into the rocky cliffside. In Strong Elk’s private chambers, the three men sat around the fire, ate cooked reindeer (Billy wasn’t sure he’d ever develop the taste for it) and discussed plans for the hunt. Though Billy was still out of his element, it gave him the opportunity to study the subtle, and not so subtle, methods of communication between Auru and Strong Elk.

Auru was reserved, gentle in his approach, and wide-eyed. He was also incredibly patient, even when Strong Elk’s strategizing turned towards tangents about how brilliant of a hunter he was, recounting tales of taking down mammoths and cave lions.

After Auru carefully brought Strong Elk back on track, the mighty chieftain graciously shared all he knew about Thunder-That-Walks. The beast was blind in one eye, though which eye was unclear, either due to injury or natural causes. Strong Elk also suspected, from survivor accounts, that the doomed hunting party had managed to injure the mammoth’s left hind leg.

Billy looked to Auru, watching the stone wheels turn inside his head, while the firelight touched his handsome face. “If he’s blind in one eye, we can try and focus our attacks from that side. Even better if the eye is on the same side as his busted leg.”

“Even with an injury like that,” Billy started, “this bastard could still be pretty mobile.”

Strong Elk cupped his strong chin with his hand. “Perhaps if we are stealthy, Auru, you can position yourself to one side of the monster, and I can take the other.”

Auru smiled. “Strong Elk, you aren’t so big and dumb after all.”

Strong Elk grunted. “I think a distraction might do the trick. Something to occupy Thunder-That-Walks, while we go for the attack.”

A glimmer of confidence touched Billy’s soul. Maybe this was going to work out after all. Not that Billy was looking forward to murdering a living creature, let alone one that didn’t exist in his native time-period. “Ok, this sounds like a not terrible plan,” he said, pounding his fist inside his palm. “What’s the distraction gonna’ be? … Guys, why are you both looking—oh, fuck, it’s me, isn’t it?”

After plans had been thoroughly hashed out, and Billy having reluctantly accepted his role as ‘decoy’, Strong Elk tossed sand on the fire, dulling it down to an ember, and retrieved several fur skin ‘mats’ for Auru and Billy. Compared to the assorted leaves and uncomfortable ‘bedding’ Billy had endured the last few nights, the animal skins were a luxury.

The prospect of getting trampled to death by a mammoth didn’t exactly inspire sleep, but Billy’s body had grown accustomed to finding comfort cuddled up to Auru’s warmth. It wasn’t long before Billy was adrift in dreamless darkness.

Though, at some point in the night, Billy experienced one of the best dreams in his life. In the dark, he grinned, half asleep. “Fuck,” he moaned, between realms. “This is awesome. Yeah, eat my ass just like that. Fuck.”

Billy’s eyes opened and whitened in the twilit cave. “Wait, who’s eating my ass?”

Billy looked down to find his pelvic area and stomach curtained by long, blonde strands, and an enormous shape hunched over him. Strong Elk’s stern, handsome face tilted upward from its labor. The chieftain wiped his face and gave Billy a wicked grin.

“It is a tradition among my warriors,” Strong Elk said, crawling atop Billy and forcefully taking the aroused (and anxious) man’s face into the valley of his pectorals. “For good luck, I will mate with you.”

Before Billy could provide input, firm hands clamped down on his ankles and lifted his meaty legs into the air, locking Billy into ‘position’ and leaving him wide open. Billy’s face smashed itself into Strong Elk’s pillowy pecs.

“Wait a second,” Billy laughed into the man’s chest, nervously. He wasn’t opposed to some middle-of-the-night play, but this was all happening a bit too quickly!

The blonde beast glared at Billy and continued positioning himself. “You will obey Strong Elk,” he said.

Billy had forgotten all about Strong Elk’s girth…up until now. For a moment he feared Strong Elk was about to fist him (one of the few kink’s not on Billy’s menu), when he realized the pressure digging into his wet hole was Strong Elk’s cock head!

Billy grunted, even as his anus weighed whether to open itself up big and wide and take in all that meat. “Hey, Elk, buddy…maybe give me a moment here!”

A shuffle of movement, and a sleepy ‘mm’, alerted both men to Auru’s hulking shadow rising in the dark. Now, Billy was stuck with Strong Elk at the bottom and Auru well-positioned to take Billy’s mouth.

But the prehistoric hunter was more concerned with Billy’s autonomy than putting his oral prowess to use. “Hey, Strong Elk,” he said, in a firm, commanding tone that had Billy flinching (and not in the most opportune of moments to tense up). “You ask Billy if he wants to be mounted, understand? You ask!”

Billy nodded, even as he felt the tip of Strong Elk’s huge cock begin to tease its way into his opening.

Strong Elk responded with a growl and a frustrated sucking of teeth. The barbarian beefcake looked down at Billy, who watched his eyes ‘soften’ in real time. The big man sighed. “Very well,” he said. “Billy, may I breed you?”

Wit the enthusiasm of ordering fast food after a night of clubbing, Billy smiled and said, “Yes please, that’d be awesome.”

Strong Elk nodded. And then he pushed.

Billy’s satisfied smile quickly shattered into an elongated grimace. “Oh. Ow. Ow. OW!”

Auru turned his head to Strong Elk. “Take it out.”

“N-no,” Billy said, already fighting for his life as Strong Elk slid into and parted his insides. “Mama didn’t raise no bitch. It’s ok.” Though being ploughed by a bunch of slimy vines had left Billy sore, it had left him a bit more ‘pliable’ than usual.

Even so, Strong Elk’s cock was ‘intermediate’. Billy’s fingers dug into the fur while Strong Elk made no fuss about digging deep into Billy and then somehow going deeper (or so it felt). The beast of a muscle man threw all his weight on top of Billy and pressed both down and in, pulling and pushing out.

“Oh fuck!” Billy cried out. “This…is intense.”

“Mmm.” Auru grunted, leaned over, and gave Billy a re-assuring kiss. “In my clan, we do this to give our warrior’s power and strength. We must both give Billy our strength so he may face the beast tomorrow.”

If Billy’s eyes weren’t already glued to the back of his skull, he would have looked up at Auru in disbelief. “B-both?” I think I feel my organs being re-arranged.

Auru nodded, as if his new best friend wasn’t being Jurassic jack-hammered into oblivion beneath him. “You are brave and strong,” Auru said, over the loud, wet, slapping noises, Strong Elk’s grunts, and Billy’s moans. “You can take both of us without problem.”

“I-I-I’m not so sure,” Billy squeaked. “AGGGH!”

“Auru will be gentle,” Auru said.

Strong Elk whipped his sweaty hair back and leered down at Billy. “Strong Elk won’t!”

And he wasn’t! “Ahhh!” Billy said, in a mix of agony and ecstasy. AH AH AH!” Holy shit, it feels like I’m being fucked by a log.

It was a mercy that Strong Elk didn’t have staying power, lest his huge body break Billy’s Ribcage or core him out from the inside. The muscle man’s nostrils flared, and he made a low grunt. Billy felt something warm enter him. Beads of sweat dripped from Strong Elk’s hair and chest, onto Billy.

The chieftain uttered another contented grunt and then pulled out of Billy, who yelped at his exit and feared all his insides might go with him (thankfully, they did not).

“Ohhhh,” Billy moaned. “That was…a lot.”

“Strong Elk is virile,” Auru said, observing the trickle of white leaking out of Billy. Now, it was Auru’s turn. He got into position.

Billy was scandalized. He had been to a few sex parties in his time, but he’d never been a ‘mare’! Being double stuffed just so wasn’t him. But, hey, vacation!

Whereas Strong Elk had dove into Billy like an angry jack hammer, Auru was more precise in his slow, deep, stroking. He looked down at Billy with tender, luminous eyes.

“Feels so good,” he sighed.

Billy forgot all about the pain. He let Auru ride him deep. “Feels amazing,” Billy affirmed. “Oh yeah, hit it right there.”

Not to feel useless or outdone, Strong Elk leaned over and pressed his face against Billy’s, prodding his tongue inside Billy’s mouth. As much as Auru wanted only to lock eyes with Auru, he let Strong Elk kiss him.

He also allowed Strong Elk to slowly stroke and jack him off. Caught between two wild, buff beasts, Billy was in paradise.

And paradise came sooner than he thought. Auru shifted his position and buried his cock deeper, angling it at a point where it hit his sweet spot. Without prompting, Auru rutted quicker.

Billy came before he knew what was happening. Thankfully, Strong Elk had given him air to gasp. “Oh fuck,” Billy cried out, glazing his stomach. Looks like the wugwug hadn’t drained him completely. He shot several thick strands of rope. “I’m coming hard,” Billy moaned.

And it turned out, so too was Auru. With a bestial roar, Auru grabbed down and squeezed Billy’s puffy, sweaty pecs, using them as handles. After a series of grunts and sighs, Auru slowly retracted himself from Billy, who felt the combined efforts of Auru and Strong Elk trickle out of him.

Billy laid back onto Auru’s chest, with Strong Elk heaving and sighing next to him. The cavemen’s fingers curled and intertwined with Billy’s, connecting him to them.

“Now you are a strong warrior,” Strong Elk said.

Billy believed it. “Fuck yeah,” he sighed. “Let’s do this.”

NEXT CHAPTER

Chapter 1.9 - Unlikely Alliance

Streaks of ornamental white paint covered Strong Elk’s bodyguard, a woman who nearly as big and bulky as the Chieftain she’d sworn to protect. With Auru and Billy’s neck tucked easily beneath each of her knotted arms, the expressionless Amazon dragged both wriggling captives into Strong Elk’s torch lit chamber.

The muscular, beautiful leader sat on his throne of elk bones, crowned with horns. Listless, deep in his own morose musings, Strong Elk barley raised an eye at the intrusion…until he beheld the face of the intruders.

Strong Elk’s henchwoman dumped Billy and Auru onto the dirty floor. “We found these two at the village entrance,” the giantess sniffed, dusting off her hands. “The large one has one of your fangs in his possession, so we chose to capture them rather than kill them outright.” She smirked. "Besides, I know your penchant for men with meat on their bones."

With a flash of recognition, Strong Elk stiffened his back, spread his thick legs, and adjusted into his throne. “Oh,” he sighed. “Those assholes.”

Auru pushed himself off the ground and spat in the dirt. He shot Strong Elk a nasty glare. “I only see one gaping asshole.”

“Shall I break his neck?” the big woman politely asked her liege.

Strong Elk looked like he was considering it, before he held up his hand and asked the woman to take leave. She bowed her head and left Billy and Auru at Strong Elk’s mercy.

The pop of the torchlight fire stirred Billy from his skull-rattling daze. Was it just him, or did Strong Elk look even bigger, up close? “We beseech you, Strong Elk,“ Billy mumbled. “Those...are all animal bones you’re sitting on, right?” He gulped. “Right?”

The chieftain of the Elk Clan frowned. “You two better have good reason for coming here. Unless…Auru, you wanted to mate again?” Strong Elk’s loincloth barely covered his flaccid, but thick member, which peeked out from the animal skin.

Auru’s temperament changed. “YES!”

“NO!” Billy shouted back. Seemed he would have to take the lead here. Billy got onto his feet. He repositioned his peach-emoji baseball cap backwards. “Strong Elk, Eshana told us everything. I am so sorry for what happened to you and your people. We want to kill Thunder-That-Walks just as much as you do.” Well, I don't really want to kill anything, but 'when in the Palaeolithic', I guess. 

The mighty Elk flinched. The room got colder. “What did you say? That name...”

Billy wasn’t so sure his diplomacy was bearing fruit. He shrugged. “Well, I’m usually against killing, and I kinda’ had a vegan phase because of this hot guy I wanted to date, but—”

“Your babbling conceals your courage,” Strong Elk said, much to Billy’s surprise. “Or, perhaps, your stupidity. Or both. You two really think you can kill that fiend?” Strong Elk’s cutting sneer told Billy and Auru what he thought about the idea.

“Well, uh, no,” said Billy. “That’s sort of where we were hoping you might lend a hand?”

Strong Elk cocked his head to the side. After appraising his guest for a long, painful moment, he let out a sharp, “Ha!” 

Billy was deflated.

“Let me try him,” Auru grumbled. He got off the ground and rose strong and tall. Auru puffed his chest out and addressed Strong Elk like an equal. “Strong Elk, there’s no doubt that you and I are two of the best hunters in the valley. Which is I know we can join together and defeat that mammoth.”

There was a brief moment where Billy thought Strong Elk might be considering it, but the mighty chieftain turned his head away in disappointment. “Fools, both of you,” Strong Elk said. “The thing is unkillable. I am convinced it’s an evil spirit. My best men—and my only son—threw spear after spear at it. I’m told some of those spears are still embedded in the monster's flesh. It was all for nought. The beast lives. My son is dead.”

Billy bit his lip. And here I thought this was supposed to be a light-hearted, sexy adventure. I wonder if this mammoth is infected with a degenerating disease like rabies. Something that would make it erratic but also immune to pain. If that’s the case, Thunder-That-Walk's days may already be numbered. Question is, how many more innocent people will he kill before he succumbs?

“It sounds like your people may have already weakened this thing,” Billy offered. “So, we got that going for us, right?”

Strong Elk narrowed his eyes at Billy. “How much do you know about bringing down mammoths?” he asked.

“Uhhh. Can’t say I ever tried? Not that I’ve had much opportunity to hunt mammoths before. Where I come from, they're sort of all...dead."

Strong Elk tossed his golden mane of hair to the side and fell back into his pouty droop. “Forget it,” he huffed, crossing his arms. “If you aren’t going to offer me any useful solutions…or sex…then I want nothing to do with either of you. Leave me in peace.”

Deflated, Billy considered resigning himself to a life of hunting and gathering, balanced out by having his back blown out unga-bunga style. That’s when Auru, quiet and observant up until now, stepped in. The torchlit room elongated his shadow, making him appear that much taller.

Auru pressed his fist to his chest in a gesture of respect. “Strong Elk, I do not want to hunt Thunder-That-Walks just because it means I’ll get to join the Bull Clan.”

Elk snorted. “Oh, so that’s the truth of it, then?” Strong Elk balanced his head on his hand and appraised Auru like a piece of succulent deer meat. “Well, if you two are banished from the Bull Clan, perhaps you can stay here as my personal breeding bucks. I’ll have fun making good use of you. Nightly.”

That concerned Billy for multiple reasons, the least of which was being able to walk normally ever again. He looked pleadingly to Auru. Big guy, come through!

Auru clenched his fists and huffed deeply. His strong, stern, silence was enough to command Elk’s complete attention. “I don’t want to do it just so I can have a clan again—I want to do it to help you! Because I know the hurt in your heart. The big sadness.”

Billy saw Strong Elk’s fingertips clench down on the throne’s bony arm rests. He held his breath.

Strong Elk rose from his throne and stomped towards Auru, who remained unflinching, not intimidated by the lordly brute bearing down on him. Still, when Strong Elk spoke, it was with an agony in his voice. No anger.

“How could you possibly know what I feel?” Strong Elk asked.

Auru met his eyes. “I lost my village. They are dead. And until Billy came along, I was all alone.”

Auru’s words were a stone knife to the heart. Billy quietly watched the shadows play across Strong Elk’s face, the curves and valleys of his musculature. The Chieftain looked like he was fighting a battle inside.

Finally, Elk spoke. “It seems you and I share more in common than our hunting prowess and potent virility.” Strong Elk’s enormous chest rose and fall with a long sigh. “I will consider your proposal, Auru.”

Billy whipped around to give Auru a high five, until he remembered the high five wouldn’t be invented for at least another several thousand years, so he awkwardly touched his shoulder instead. Still, good news.

“But first,” Strong Elk interrupted, “a test!”

“Motherfucker!” Billy cried out. It seemed neither Auru nor Strong Elk grasped the meaning of that curse, which was probably for the best. Just when Billy thought he was finally getting somewhere, now there was this JRPG-ass side quest nonsense! 

Ignoring Billy, Strong Elk addressed Auru head on. “There is a more pressing menace that plagues my people,” he said. “Perhaps you have heard of the wugwug?”

“Now you’re just makin’ shit up!” Billy yelled.

Auru quietly placed his enormous hand on top of Billy’s head. It shut him up. “Billy, please, use a gentle voice. Now, Strong Elk, my new friend, tell us more of this wugwug.”

“You’ve never heard of the dreaded—or, as some say, desired—wugwug?” Elk asked. “Ha! Well, that’s probably for the best, knowing your propensity for sticking your dick in things, Auru. In any case, it is not a beast. It’s a plant. One that feeds on man.”

“Man-eating plants don’t exist,” Billy said. They certainly didn’t back during these times, anyway, or else fossils of them would have been discovered by now.

Strong Elk gave Billy the stink-eye. “Do you take me for a liar, little man? Mark my words. The thing is a monster.”

“Monster?” Shit. This must be one of the paradox things Eros was talking about. “Wait a minute. What was that part about Auru sticking his dick into things?”

“It is an understandable question.” Auru politely said. He patted the front of his lion skin loincloth. “I do have a habit. But I am confused, Strong Elk. You want us to kill…a plant?”

“A plant that eats human flesh,” Billy added.

Strong Elk, however, shook his head. “Flesh? Not quite. The plant consumes human essence, yes, but its target is neither flesh nor blood but the—”

“Cum.” Billy cut him off. “It’s cum, isn’t it?” Damn it, Eros.

Strong Elk nodded affirmatively. “The wugwug has an insatiable appetite. Or, so say those few who have survived it. It seduces men with its pollen, ensnares them in its many arms, and latches on to your manhood. Then, it sucks you completely dry, until you experience such pleasure as to beg for death’s release! The power of the wugwug is unrelenting. It feeds and feeds, causing release after release until your heart gives out from maddening pleasure. They say women aren’t affected, but that’s probably because they’re smarter anyway.”

“Yeah,” Billy answered. “Because they don’t go sticking their genitals into weird plants. While that does sound strangely like one of the exact ways and methods by which I would like to die, why is it a problem for you, Strong Elk?” Auru too, looked as if he wanted to know Strong Elk’s reasoning.

The Chieftain was happy to explain further. “Many of my best men were killed by Thunder-That-Walks,” he said. “And now I am finding more who have gone hunting in the shrouded woodlands to the north are not returning. Recently, one of my huntswomen did, and she said the other men were ensorcelled by the voracious wuwgug. I have no reason to doubt her. The monster must be slain.”

Cum-sucking vampire flora aside, Strong Elk’s rationale was sound. He looked to Auru to take the lead. The large man spoke for them both. “And then you’ll help us, Strong Elk?”

The Chieftain lowered his head. “Fear and grief have sickened me for far too long,” he said, in a somber tone. “Auru. Billy. You have my word.”

That solved one problem. Potentially, anyway. Fortunately, Billy had tried to become a ‘plant daddy’ once (to impress a boy) and found that he was very good at killing green things. “Okay, guys, so how do we take care of the evil cum plant?”

“It is impossible to uproot,” Strong Elk said. “And approaching it directly is to become poisoned by its mesmerizing pollen. Legend has it that only a warrior of immense virility was able to overpower one of its kind—wait, Auru, where are you going!?”

Auru gave Elk an unintentional eyeful of his beefy ass as he turned towards the cave entrance. One would have thought he was fleeing a fire with how quickly he made for the exit.

Auru whipped his head back to Elk and Billy. “Uh, I’m going to go find it of course?”

“Right now!?” Billy exclaimed, exasperated.

Auru rolled his eyes. “My balls are aching for release, Billy! Now is the best time.”

Billy slapped his hand against his forehead. Fucking stone age himbos. “Auru. Bro. Didn’t you hear the part where it will make you cum until you die? Is everything about mating, to you?”

Auru stared at him blankly. “Yes. Now, what are you two waiting for? Let’s hunt a wugwug!”

next chapter

Chapter 1.8 - The Exiles

Somehow, Eshana managed to slap both Auru and Billy up the sides of their heads with her staff at the same time. 

Things were off to a rocky start.  

Auru rubbed the growing lump on the back of his skull and glanced away, sheepishly. “But…but I defeated Strong Elk!” he protested. 

Eshana gave Auru a hard look. “And where is the meat to show for it? Hmmm?”

Billy had no wise words to offer his hunky caveman. Auru huffed and held out the carved fang for Eshana to see. “I…got our hunting grounds back!” he said. He grinned. Billy and Eshana did not match his enthusiasm.

The crone furrowed her wrinkly brow in reply. “Our?” she said. “You were never formally accepted into this tribe, Auru. In fact, I was quite clear about my instructions.”

The hurt in Auru’s eyes was unmistakable. Billy reached out and pressed his fingers to the big man’s shoulder in consolation. Auru’s gambit had failed, and he sunk into himself in shame.

Eshana waddled to the other side of the fire pit to regard the two, silent stone icons sitting on the bench. “Now I must consult the gods to help guide my decision.”

A lump in Billy’s throat joined the one on his head. “Uh… decision?” he asked, nervously. 

“On whether or not to cast you two out of our clan,” Eshana said. She tightened her grip around her cane. “FOREVER.”

Billy and Auru both flinched, but it was Auru who sighed heaviest. Billy couldn’t imagine how he felt now, having come so close to finding a tribe, only to loose them all over again due to a misguided attempt at trying to fit in.

“Eldress,” Billy said, cautiously, “if I may speak. I take full responsibility for what happened.”

“No, Billy.” Auru placed himself between Billy, the fire pit, and Eshana’s withering stare. “Auru was the one who led you to the forbidden hunting grounds. I am solely blame.” He took a deep breath. “Which is why I must plead with you, Eldress. Even if you cast me out, please permit Billy to stay with the Elk Clan.”

It was a selfless, albeit stupid, move. Billy shook his head. “Auru, no.”

For a split second, it looked like Eshana might consider it. She tapped her cane against her chin, in deep thought.  “You defend your friend with honor, Auru. Nevertheless…”

Auru backed off, arms slinked forward in defeat.

Billy needed a ‘Hail Mary’. Now. “Eldress, I know I have no right to ask you a question—”

The old woman sighed dispassionately, leaning against her cane and suddenly reminding Billy very much of his own grandmother (and weirdly…his ex-boyfriend too). “But something tells me you’ll push through just fine anyway. Well, out with it, boy.”

Billy looked to Auru for strength and began. “When I entered the village, I didn’t see many guys around the same age as Auru and myself. Aside from Keedo, that is. Children, yes. Women? Plenty. Do you divide your work between male and female?”

With a twist of her mouth, Eshana thought, and then nodded. “Our roles are not as rigid as you may think. There are some men better suited to weaving, and gathering berries, and women who can outrun deer faster than even our best hunter. There are also those who ascribe to neither man, nor woman, and I teach them in the way of gods.

"But on that day…yes, it was mostly the men who were out on the hunt.”

Billy figured he was right on the money. But it gave him no joy. “You and Strong Elk have both mentioned some kind of ‘great sorrow’ or tragedy.”

The deep lines on Eshana’s face rose and fell. Her eyes trembled, and for a moment, she seemed to Billy, younger. “You are not as dim as those muscles of yours would lead one to believe…”

“Uh, thanks?” Billy said, with a shrug. “What happened on that day, Eldress?”

The Eldress gripped her staff tighter. Billy could almost hear the wood brace. She spoke in a low whisper. “Thunder-That-Walks.”

Either Eros’s translation magic was faulty, or something was amiss here. “I’m…sorry?” he asked, turning to Auru for confirmation. The buff hunter shook his head, just as perplexed as Billy.

Eshana explained. “Thunder-That-Walks. A bull mammoth, possibly mad, who has troubled the valley for some time. The beast typically dwells in a dark valley over the northern hills, but its presence in our territory has been more frequent.” The woman paused. “Perhaps you’ve heard the creature yourself? Keedo says the beast came quite close to our village last night.”

The eerie rumbling and low bellows that had sunk deep into Billy’s bones, both during Strong Elk’s stand and the night before, returned to haunt the wayward historian. “Yes, Auru and I heard it.”

Auru finally rose back to attention. “Must be big.”

“Oh yes,” Eshana said, hollowly. “A joint hunting expedition between the Elk and Bull clans set out to slay the beast. Only Keedo and one or two of Elk’s men returned. Our clan lost many sons that day. But Strong Elk lost his only one.”

The compassion this woman had for Strong Elk, despite his callousness towards her own people, was obvious. Billy’s heart hurt for her. For her clan. And, strangest of all, for Strong Elk.

But it was Auru who appeared the most struck by this revelation. “Strong Elk had a son?” he asked.

Eshana nodded. “And many lovely, smiling daughters.” Finally, a slight smile broke across her wrinkled face. “Oh, how I miss those children.”

“So, your clans were close at one point,” Billy said.

Auru let out a small grunt. “Strong Elk,” he said. “He has a big sadness.”

“Nigh insurmountable,” Eshana said. “He has not been the same since that dreadful day. Keedo himself barely managed to survive, and I fear his leg will never properly mend. And thus, our population dwindles.”

Eshana’s tone changed with the flash of her eyes, towards anger. She pointed her stick, threatening, at Auru. “Which is why the Bull Clan must abide by my rules! We cannot afford more danger. More death. You could have brought catastrophe upon us, Auru.”

Billy felt terrible for his friend, but there wasn’t much to be done. Auru held out his palms. “Eldress. I am sorry.”

The old woman frowned. She was not in a forgiving mood. “Yes, yes, I can see it in your eyes. It changes little. Nevertheless, I am not a woman of impulse. Now, Auru. Heed me.”

“Yes, Eldress?”

“I would speak to Billy alone.” She pointed her cane towards the entrance to her hut. “You may return to Keedo’s dwelling to await further instruction.”

Auru looked at Billy, uncertain. “Billy…”

“I’ll be fine.” It was a lie, of course. Billy hadn’t felt less fine since his breakup, Still, he assured Auru with a smile and watched as the big man sulked his way out of the hut.

Now, Billy was alone with the most powerful woman in Prehistory. The crone shuffled around the fire, towards a collection of clay pots near the altar.  

“I must consult the divine,” Eshana said. She kneeled down, using the stick for balance. Billy moved to help her, but she held a firm hand and managed to pick one of the pots off the ground. “Your role as a storyteller marks you as an interpreter of the voices of the gods.”

“Uh…does it?”

“Though you are no god yourself, I can see that you have communicated with the divinities before. I knew it when I saw that necklace. Even now, it radiates power.” The woman stared coldly into his spirit. “Who are you, Billy?”

Granted he was literally in a loincloth, a baseball cap, and sneakers, but Billy hadn’t felt this naked in a long time. He answered her honestly. “Just an idiot in over his head.”

“Ah,” she said. “Aren’t we all?” The oracle approached the idols in front of the altar, bowed her head to them, and lifted the clay cup to her lips.

Billy found himself nervous. “Um…what’s that you’re drinking, Eldress?”

Whatever it was, Eshana was not enjoying the taste, judging from her pained expression. She sat the cup down on the altar. “It allows my eyes and ears to open to the Great Mother and Bull Father.”

“Ohhhhh, it’s drugs.” Billy winced remembering his club days, and his briefly lived period of psychedelic experimentation (one did not go to college in Western Massachusetts without partaking at least once). 

The old woman coughed once and lowered herself to the ground. The smoke and the heat from the fire pit twisted, blurred, and distorted her swarthy face. “Be forewarned,” she said, hoarsely. “The gods may choose to use me as their vessel. If that happens…” she trailed off, her eyes distant. Then, her pupils dilated. 

For a moment, Billy feared she had poisoned herself, or suffered a stroke. “Eldress?” he said. He coughed. The smoke inside the chamber bothered his throat (or maybe that was an after effect from swallowing Auru’s cock the day before). 

The old woman’s head drooped. Unresponsive.

Billy could taste his heart in the back of his throat (or nope, that was still Auru). He tried again. “H-he-hey, Eldress, are you okay?”

Then, the woman’s head snapped up. “SURPIIIIIIRISE, BITCH!”

The jump scare practically knocked Billy backwards. He was not certain he had heard her correctly, nor was he certain the Eldress hadn’t slyly slipped him some of her funky juice either. “Um…Eshana? You okay, girl?”

Without need for the cane, the crone jumped onto her feet, placed her hands on her hips, and cracked her back—letting out a satisfied ‘ahh.’ Her body language, her facial expression, and her overall aura took on a decidedly more ‘sassy’ flavor.

 “Oooh,” she said, in a voice that was not quite her voice, “and I got a hot one this time too.” With a flick of the wrist and an unmistakably flirtatious, sideways glance, Eshana traipsed around the fire pit. “So, how’s life? How’s the cave stud? Ha! I see you walkin’ kinda funny, Billy boy. You little slut—good for you!”

It hit him. Billy wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or more afraid, now. “Eros?”

“Ha!” Eshana, or Eros, flitted her hand. “Of course, it’s me, you dirty bitch.” The god inside the woman turned and examined the stone idols with amused interest. “Hahaha holy shit, they really had some funny notions about what we looked like back in this time." The god inside the woman looked at the curvy idol. "Wow, Mom would get a kick out of this if she saw it.”

Which Billy found especially comical as the curvaceous, fertility statues from this epoch were often, erroneously called ‘Venuses’. This was the moment of levity Billy didn’t realize he’d needed after the last, stressful twenty-four hours. To Billy, Eros might as well have been an alien, let alone a god, but he was still his only link to the future, and that was somewhat comforting. 

“Eros, shit’s fucked.” He offered the flighty god a shit-eating-grin. “Is it too late to call of the game? Hahaha. You know, I learned my lesson!”

Eros, or Eshana, rather, showed off all her cracked, yellow teeth in a grin. “Nope! But hey, if you want a little positive reinforcement, I’ve been keeping tabs on your activity here. I’m actually surprised you’re still alive, quite frankly!”

That wasn’t exactly encouraging, Billy thought. “Eros, what the hell am I even supposed to be doing here to satisfy your mission criteria? I mean, I already made love to Auru-“

“-Did he breed you?”

“Yeah, tremendously. Like I now know what a French pastry feels like.”

“Awesome!”

“But then he suggested he wanted to make it a more 'permanent arrangement', and I had to let him down gently…

“Ohhhh…”

“But he took it well! Never thought I’d muster the guts to let a guy off so decisively before. Hehehe.”

“Mmm. Progress!

“I thought maybe Auru and Strong Elk might start some sparks after they…you know…fucked. But Strong Elk is too depressed.” Billy froze. A light bulb (or campfire) went off inside his head. “Hold on a second. Is my sexy mission objective to get Auru and Strong Elk together?” Of course, that had to be it!

Esheros, as Billy decided to call them, smirked, and leaned against their ceremonial staff. “Sounds like your definition of love is quite…small. I picked all of your temporal paramours for a good reason, and I can tell you that Auru does not need a partner right now.”

Then what the fuck am I doing here, dude? Billy hoped Eros couldn’t read thoughts.

Esheros threw Billy another ‘bone’. “What do you think is Auru’s most fervent wish? What does his heart want?”

This was like the most frustrating trivia night ever. But seeing as most of Billy’s trivia nights usually ended up with him in just skimpy underwear, it was also par for the course. Billy scratched his head. “He needs…”

And, with a snap of the fingers, Billy got there.

“A clan!”

“By Jove, he’s got it,” Esheros said. “I’ll spell it out for you, honey. Community.”

A community that had just exiled Auru. Billy pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Well, we already fucked that up.”

“Auru fucked that up,” Esheros pointed out. “And he took responsibility for it. I never said that your temporal boy-toys were going to be flawless princes. But at least they can fess up their flaws. You could learn a lesson or two, punk.”

“Okay, fine, morals! But now what the hell am I supposed to do?” Billy raised an eyebrow. “Or is this one of those impossible tasks, like the golden fleece?”

“What kind of god do you take me for, bitch? Listen, Billy. Eshana was always going to give you guys one more chance to set things right, with or without my influence. Hear the old diva out, okay?” With that said, the wily god drew a line in the dirt floor. “Oh, before I go…a warning.”

“NOW A WARNING?”

“Every help must come with a hindrance,” Esheros said, with a slightly sinister laugh. “You see, time and space is a surprisingly mutable thing. But, just like white blood cells attack intrusive viruses—I hope you don’t mind me borrowing the biology metaphor—so too does time have ways of dealing with uninvited guests.”

With a groan, Billy pointed at his broad chest. “Am I the guest?”

The old woman / god licked their lips. Which was unsettling enough, let alone their dark warning. “I’m talking paradoxes and anomalies, Billy-blue. Things you won’t find in the history books because they don’t technically exist. They’re the price you pay for not screwing up the course of events.” Esheros stared at Billy, whose face had become a blank. “Ugh, I’m talking about monsters. I’m sending monsters at you, Billy.”

“WHAT?”

Eshana’s eyes suddenly spiraled into the back of her head, and she let out a throaty scream. “FAAAAHHHHHH!”

So did Billy. “AHHHH!”

The old woman stumbled forward, but righted herself on her walking stick before she could fall into the fire. She panted, every breath drawn out and intense, but still she motioned for Billy to stay put.

When at last Eshana, slick with perspiration, had collected herself, she gave Billy a grave expression. “The gods speak through me!”

“Y-y-yes! I’m aware.” Monsters? Is he fuckin’ serious?

“I will permit you and Auru to journey to the Bull Clan,” Eshana said. “If Auru has indeed tamed Strong Elk, and the chieftain’s token is indeed one of friendship, then I implore you go and ask for his aid.”

This was a hard pivot, and not at all what Billy was expecting. It didn’t help that he was still stuck on the ‘monsters’ bit. “And…why would we do that, Eldress?”

“Because if you and Auru are to be accepted into this clan, you will need to do far more than bring us fresh meat. You will need to hunt down and kill Thunder-That-Walks.”

next chapter

Bonus: Homo History Lesson #1 The Stone Age!

 

Art by @guapomansi.bsky.social